cold symptoms

Another one from the apocrypha, February 2025, a bulleted list, titled “Cold symptoms”

• slight sniffles and mild fatigue
• throat is sore
• no fever but everything tastes like unseasoned mashed potatoes.
• Every time I cough, objects within a three-foot radius shift slightly.
• My body refuses to accept hot beverages unless I loudly announce, “For the realm!” before sipping.
• I have an uncontrollable urge to rearrange furniture in ways that make absolutely no sense.
• My reflection in the mirror is making slightly different facial expressions than I am.
• I can suddenly hear WiFi signals, but only as faint whispers of judgment.
• My shadow is lagging behind me by a full three seconds.
• Every time I yawn, a nearby light flickers dramatically.
• Birds seem to be inexplicably drawn to me.